Asking why

Since coming back to Beijing after Christmas I just haven’t been in it. There’s been a couple of weekends where I have let go and ate shit. I sort of enjoy it. I still fluctuate around the 75Kg mark. I wonder if I’ll ever get to 68Kg and be able to hold it. I wonder what I did to manage to lose weight in the first place. I wonder how the journey began all those years ago. I wonder why I have gone round in circles for so long. I wonder if I'll ever make it. I wonder why sometimes I manage to lose weight and other times I don’t. I wonder about what I want and why.

With all this wondering, I think the key is to stick to your why. The driving motivation behind it all. Originally it was to become a newer better version. But now I ask myself what my why is and sometimes it's difficult to connect to it. It takes introspection. But it's not just that. It takes the right introspection. It’s not about why I want to hit 68Kg. It’s not about why I want to stay there. The question is why do I want to do all the things that it takes to get there and keep doing those things. The question is am I prepared to keep doing those things regardless of whether I hit the goal or not? So what are those things and the other related questions I need to ask myself?:

Why do I want what I want? but again, that’s not it…its deeper.

Why do I want to regulate my impulses, my hunger, day in and day out? Why regulate my gluttony day in and day out? Why resist it? Why defend against it?

Why regulate them on a Friday after a long week, when you’re tired? 

Why regulate when everyone is going out and eating pizza and having drinks? Why be the only one to not do that? Why be the only one ordering a salad and a coke zero? Why be the one avoiding the crispy fries? Why be the one that occasionally has a few fries?

Why regulate when you’re on holiday and you want to let loose?

Why regulate over the weekends? Why regulate on a Sunday when you’re sitting on the couch and want some chocolate biscuits?

Why regulate when the scale weight isn’t going down?

Why go to the gym several times a week or exercise several times a week?

Why push ourselves past our comfort zones when we train?

Its not about asking why do you want to be the weight that you want?

It's not about asking why diet?

It's not about asking what’s the point of dieting if you keep going round in circles.

It's not about asking about any of that. By doing that, your focus is on the superfluous. By focusing on that, it means I’m distracted. By focusing on that it means I’m chasing bright shiny objects. By focusing on that it means I’m out of alignment. Out of sync to what I really want. Out of sync to why I really want what I want. Out of sync with who I need to be, to have what I really want. 

This game, it appears, isn’t about tracking macros and calories, though that’s part of it. It’s about getting in touch with that deeper part of ourselves which drives us. It’s about staying connected to that deeper part of ourselves which drives us. It’s about being able to regain that connection to our deeper part of ourselves which drives us when we lose that connection. That’s the skill. That’s what takes us to the next level.

So then why do all those things listed above? Why? For me it's because it requires strength and discipline. When we apply our strength and discipline to what we eat and what we drink, to what we do on a regular basis, the amount we move, the amount we train…then that creates a foundation for everything else in our life. We can apply that discipline to other areas. That is what gets us what we want. That is what gets me through the last 10Kilos.