Being a fat bastard!

Since November it feels like I've just let go. I no longer feel like I can be bothered with being on a calorie deficit. I feel like I'm rebounding to an extent.

In January I have pulled things back to a degree but last Wednesday things went pear shaped again. I'm not sure what exactly it is that causes it. I had to go back to my parents place as there's some repair work that needs to be done. My parents are away at the moment so I was by myself.

For some reason, this threw me off. It was like there was no one around, so now I could do what I wanted. I could eat freely and it's as though I needed to celebrate. So of course I got some takeaway.

The next day, I took my lunch into work as usual, but I didn't have it. I of course decided I would go for a meal deal. Not sure why.

In the evening, same again. I ended up eating shit. Friday wasn't better. Saturday was horrendous. Just eating for the sake of it. I had a conference to go to and they provided a hotel with breakfast, lunch and refreshments. That was just overkill. More food than I needed, not because I wanted it. It was there and it was free. I went back home had a second lunch, plus two bags of crisps (McCoys flame grilled steak) chocolate biscuits and then in the evening a pizza, some chicken strips, dessert and a beer.

Not that I was hungry. Just casually eating for no other reason than for the sake of it.

The question is why? Is it comfort eating? Is it stress? What is it?

I've had this before where some of my habits are attached to my routine, I think thats fairly natural, however I've also been in situations where I've managed that well. I remember when I'd be eating healthy for weeks and then a short trip to London would immediately derail me. I think it's similar to holidays, there's something about it where you just need to celebrate and have fun with excessive amount of food.

I used to be a secret eater as well. Food was something fun and enjoyable. It was comfort, it was doing something that parents didn't know about. It was a silent rebellion.

There's still some of that which is clearly going on. No ones actually stopping me from doing anything or making me eat a certain way.

It goes back to the glutton. The greedy, fat bastard inside. He wants to overeat, celebrate with food. Seek comfort with food. Rebel with food and laziness. He wants ease and as much convenience as possible. Right now, he's really kicking my backside!! Being fat is't so much about how we are physically, it's about are eating habits.

I could be naturally slim, but eating too much would make me a fat bastard. In the end, what I want more than the physique is to master my eating habits. That's not to say I want to be perfect. Just better than now. More consistent in eating within certain parameters. Someone who manages weekends, social events, holidays, times when he's on his own, deviations to his usual routine well. Inside, regardless of my physique or lack of it, I've still got to continue dealing with the greedy fat bastard.