A tail of two me's

Its a New Year. The whole Christmas period was indulgent. The Christmas period seems to be starting earlier and earlier. As soon as Guy Fawkes night was done it felt like Christmas was already on us.

Light's were going up, adverts were starting. having lived in China for several years, its not quite the same as here in the UK. There's celebrations and lights, but not to the same extent. They're not playing Christmas music absolutely everywhere. By the end of November, I was sick and tired of dieting. I just wanted to enjoy the festivities and indulge.

In November we had a miscarriage. I think on some level it affected me and I just wanted to comfort eat to an extend. I think it was the fatigue of dieting, experiencing the Christmas build-up and the miscarriage all combined.

We also went to Prague just after Christmas day and spent New Years in Venice. The result. Lots of eating. 6Kg heavier.

It makes me wonder about how I handle these periods. Eating healthy isn't really a problem for me. The problem is when I'm on holiday, or when I sabotage, or when I can't be bothered eating healthy. Thats what keeps me going around in circles.

The circles have been going on for years now. There's the me who wants to eat healthy, and the me who doesn't.

The me who doesn't has changed a lot over the years. He's much healthier compared to before. He used to have two sandwiches for breakfast, have his lunch and then around 4-5pm, when the house was empty, he'd go to the local shops and get a bag of food to binge on whilst watching friends.

Sometimes he'd go for a walk in the evening, stop by one shop and buy a sandwich. He'd walk to another and get some more "treats." He'd then go home and have dinner.

That guy is long gone. I cut him down to size. I confronted the greed and the gluttony.

But he's still there. He's the anchor. He's not as big as before, but he's there, holding me back. He's the one that I need to confront. He's the one that I need to focus on.

Now it's not just a case of eating healthy. I can do that. Its a case of what I'm eating when I'm at my worst. When I'm sabotaging. When I hit the "fuck it" button. When I'm on holiday.

That's what holding me back. I started this journey by working on that guy. I need to keep working on that guy, even if its slow. I don't have to do exactly the same, but thats who I need to trim down.

Otherwise, I go round in circles again and again. The people around me are always trying to diet, lose weight, get fit or something. I'm no different. I need to stop doing the same things. I need to stop trying to "eat healthy" and just eat. But what I just eat, needs to be better than before. Not perfect, but better.

Once I can shape him up and align him with who I want to be, then I'll hit my goals.